How to tell your children you are separating

Telling your children that you and their other parent are separating is one of the most difficult conversations you will ever have as a parent. As a family solicitor and mediator, I regularly support families through this process. I appreciate how much thought and care needs to go into this discussion, and how much pressure parents feel to get it right.

While every family is different, here are some suggestions to make the conversation as calm and reassuring as possible for your children.

1. Plan the conversation together

If possible, plan the conversation in advance. Even though you are separating, it’s important to show a united front to demonstrate that you are continuing to work together. Think carefully about what your children need to hear rather than what you need to say and agree how that message should be conveyed.

2. Choose the right time and place

A calm, familiar environment, like the family home, can help children feel grounded. Make sure you pick a time when you all have plenty of time to talk, so that you can answer any questions that your children have. Try to avoid times when emotions are already high, for example the night before exams, birthdays or special events.

3. Keep the message child-focused and simple

Don’t go into details about why or how the relationship broke down, or the legal and emotional complexities flowing from it. Be clear, reassuring and calm. Let your children know that this was a decision made between adults, it’s not their fault, and that they are loved by you both and that that will not change. Avoid blame and criticism of the other parent. Remember – you and the other parent will potentially be coparenting for years after this separation, and you need to do all you can to preserve that ongoing relationship.

4. Reassure your children about what will stay the same

Your children are likely to feel very worried after this conversation, so it’s important to reassure them about what things will stay the same. For example, they may be concerned about where they are to live, whether they will still see their friends, or how their routines will change. You’re unlikely to know all the details of what the impact of your separation will be at this point, but there will be reassurances that you can give. They will continue to have relationships with both parents, unless it’s unsafe to do so. They will still go to school and activities as normal. Let them know that you will continue to keep them informed as plans develop, and that they will be involved in those decisions as appropriate. This initial conversation is just the first of many that will undoubtedly need to be had as your separation progresses. Keep checking in with your children to see how they are coping and let them know that they can talk about it with you.

5. Be honest, but keep adult issues between the parents

Make sure that your responses are simple and age appropriate. Your children need honesty, but they don’t need to know all the ins and outs of arguments that you have had, financial issues, wrongdoing by either of you, or personal criticisms of the other parent. Your children should be shielded from any conflict between you and your coparent. You should strive to speak respectfully about one another in front of your children and support their relationship with the other parent, unless unsafe.

6. Expect different reactions

Different children will react differently to the same news, so be mindful of the characteristics of your children and how they are likely to respond to your news, and plan for that. Despite your best planning, your children may still respond in an unexpected way, and factors such as age, personality and emotional maturity all have a role to play in that. Children may cry, withdraw, become angry or worried, or carry on as if nothing has happened, and all these reactions are perfectly normal. Allow your children the space to feel their emotions, and make sure they know that they can come to you with any questions that they have.

7. Don’t ask your children to choose

Children should not feel responsible for deciding how they share their time between their parents, or where they live. These are decisions that should be made by you as coparents, and your children should be reassured that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents where safe. It is the responsibility of you and your coparent to make decisions that are in their best interests; this burden should not be placed on your children.

8. Seek support if needed

It may be that your children, and indeed the whole family, would benefit from external support during these transitions. You should consider letting your children’s schools know of your separation so that they can support them in the classroom, and there may be resources available within the school that they can access. Counsellors or child therapists, or support groups for young people, can also be helpful.

Additional support

Here at Birketts, we have seen firsthand how family mediation can help parents resolve child arrangements in a constructive and child-centred way, and the benefit to children where parents work in partnership to reach decisions. Children feel more secure, more settled, less anxious and more able to adapt to new routines when they see that their parents are working together rather than against each other.

Mediation is designed to reduce conflict, improve communication and keep the focus on what is in your children’s best interests. It’s a calm and flexible process, tailored to your family, where it’s possible to resolve issues in just a few sessions. It gives you and your coparent the power to make the decisions for your family, rather than have those decisions imposed on you by a judge. It’s also available to assist at any point in your future coparenting journey, whenever you have decisions that you need some support in making together.

If you’re unsure whether mediation is right for your situation, a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) can help you explore your options. If you would like assistance or further information about the mediation process, please contact one of our trained mediators.